Today's post is the last of my guest posts scheduled for the month. I hope you've loved hearing from them as much as I have! You can read Julie's post on summer date ideas here, and Natasha's post here to learn how to make some super cute summertime placemats.
This post is extra special because I'm introducing you all to my sister-in-law Rachael! She and my little brother Sam celebrated their first anniversary on the 12th and so I asked if Rach would be willing to share a few things she's learned as a young wife.
I can relate so much to the tips she is sharing and I know you all will too. Be sure to check out more of her heart-felt, beautiful words on her blog here.
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People getting to know me are often surprised to hear that I am already married.
"Wow! You look so young!"
"I thought you were like... 17 or something."
I
even had one girl tell me, "You're too pretty to be married." :)
Well... okay. (I guess people are supposed to grow uglier after they've
said their vows?) I really don't feel like I was married "super young",
though I probably was. To be fair, I never thought I'd be married so
soon--though I didn't see myself finding Mr. Right late in life either.
Life just worked out that way for me, I guess.
It's
kinda trending in my circle of friends to get married young right now.
I'm excited for them, and I support them wholeheartedly with their
decision to tie the knot. I remember having conversations with Sam about
how long we should wait before we got married. Sam told me that he had
always thought he'd wait until he was at least 20 to get married. We set
a prospective 2-3 year wait on ourselves since we started dating when
he was 17 and I was 18. As we grew closer, we felt that it was more
important to live a pure life and honor God with our relationship rather
than to wait and make poor choices because "we weren't old enough to
get married". So, on July 12, 2014 we were married on a perfect Summer
day--7 months before Sam's 20th birthday.
Though
I support young marriage, I won't pretend that it is always easy. There
were a lot of things I wish I knew before getting married that have
been hard lessons to swallow. What's ironic is that some of these things
I already knew! Or thought I did. It's amazing how living with another
person brings out all the crazy, messy, and often ugly things out to the
light.
Though
I don't claim to be an expert on marriage by any means (far, far from
it) there are a few things I would suggest to young couples who are
married, or thinking about getting married soon, that I have learned and
found helpful in our own relationship.
So here we go.
1// Things are almost always different than you expect.
Something
that really blindsided me when we got married was just how different my
expectations were from reality. After Sam proposed, I remember going
home and almost existing in a state of dull numbness and shock. I was
happy, yes--very happy that he had actually asked, but I wasn't bursting
with all the bubbly, over-excited feelings that I thought I should be
having. I grew a little frustrated with myself because I didn't feel
the way one should feel after being engaged. This feeling of expectation
traveled with me even through the wedding ceremony, after our first
kiss, and up until now. I still don't know if I should feel any
different after being married to my best friend for a year. The movies
always make the scene where the bride walks down the aisle look
glamorous and like it's the moment she's been living for her whole life.
I have always been happy that I am Sam's bride, but the actual wedding
day sprinted past and left me wondering if there was something wrong
with me for feeling--or not feeling--the way I thought I should.
What
I came to realize after all of this is that instead of growing
frustrated with how I thought things should be, I should instead learn
to love things for the way they are. Maybe things aren't always as
memorable, flashy, or fulfilling as I thought. Instead of feeling like
I'm missing out, perhaps I can move past that and learn to savor each
moment for being a great real moment instead of the fantasy I dreamed up.
2// Communication is essential.
Yeah,
they always say this during your pre-marital classes, but I never
realized how much it really comes into effect until I had to share my
everyday with someone who thinks really different from me. I often feel
sorry for Sam because he has to deal with an emotional, indecisive,
woman who thinks he should already get some
things by now. We struggled a lot while we were dating with my
difficulty with speaking my thoughts and feelings. I'm one of those
people that doesn't like to hurt people's feelings or deal with
conflict, so it was really a stretch for me to tell Sam everything. I
have a hard time identifying with women who say that their men don't
ever talk or share their feelings with them because my experience has
been just the opposite. Sam shared everything with me and I've had to
learn how to be more honest with him.
Sam
has repeatedly told me that if I don't tell him something, he's not
going to know it himself. So at those times that I got mad at him for
not helping me out with the chores, he didn't know that his actions were
hurting me because I didn't make it clear. It's tempting for me to
assume that men are just more dense toward certain issues, but I know
that for myself, I have a bad habit of beating around the bush when I
want something. Being more attuned to his wife's needs and hints is
something that the guy won't know right away. He'll have to work on it
and learn over time, but he really needs his wife to be more
straightforward with him as well.
3// Be patient with changes.
This
one goes along with point 2. When your spouse is learning to be a
better mate, try not to get on them for the slow process that it takes
for them to change. Sometimes the very things that you'll be asking them
to change will be habits and actions that are just a normal part of
life to them. They may have lived with some of these habits since they
were children and they won't be able to just change overnight. Sometimes
your husband or wife may have some struggles in their life that hurt
you. When they come to a point where they want to change those things,
be sure that you recognize their efforts and growth from where they came
from. Be sure that they know that you are standing beside them in their
fight to better themselves and that you will be their biggest supporter
and cheerleader. They'll appreciate knowing that you are on their side
more than your complaints and nagging over their failures.
4// Spend time to get to know them.
This
is true both before and after you are married. The thing most people
worry about for young couples is that they're rushing into their
decision to get married without fully realizing what their getting in
to. I do encourage young couples to spend time getting to know each
other's character more than just their interests and physical
attractiveness.
My
husband and I waited to share our first kiss at the altar. Though this
isn't what we expect for everyone's relationship, we felt that it was
something special we would do that we would share only for the one we
got married to. Because we waited to do this we felt that we really got
to know each other's character and personality more.
It
is common in our culture today to think that in order to really know if
someone is a right fit for you, you have to "try them out". My
philosophy is that you can always get to know those things after you're
married, but you can't take them back after you find out that their
character doesn't work with yours. When dating, I feel that it is best
to spend a lot of time doing "friend things" together to find out if
this person is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life.
And after you tie the knot, don't neglect spending time together on
those "friend things"--be sure to make time in your busy schedules to go
on dates with your spouse.
5// Have an unlimited supply of forgiveness.
I
hate that phrase, "loving means never having to say you're sorry,"
because it couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm actually convinced
that telling your spouse that you're sorry is one of the most loving
things you can say to them sometimes. You'll have plenty of
opportunities to say it and so will they. Living in a broken world, we
will all have our bad days, (or bad weeks). This imperfect human you're
living with will make mistakes and hurt you deeper than anyone else can.
It is important to be quick to forgive and not allow chance for
bitterness to grow roots. Sometimes your guy or gal will make the same
mistake multiple times within the same day, but you'll want to work it
out and forgive them again.
6// Grow together.
You
are both a team. Being young has its advantages. You get to have the
chance to grow up and learn valuable life lessons together, where people
who meet later in life have already set themselves in a certain
direction. You don't have to have everything settled or figured out.
You'll figure those things out together. You'll go through your scary
first apartment, or having one of you work full-time while the other is
in college. All these experiences will grow you closer together as a
couple. They are hard things to go through, frustrating at times, but
they help you grow up as one.
Your
willingness to serve your spouse will help you both make it in this
scary adult world. :) Sometimes I had to realize that things were not
all about me (No, duh!). Sometimes I have to make sacrifices and focus
on doing what's best for both of us and not just what I want to do. This
is all part of growing up with my husband, and I am still learning all
of these things everyday.
As
I look back on one year of marriage behind us, I am so thankful for all
the things we've already grown in and for all the years and
adventures to come.
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